It’s funny how you go through life almost on autopilot, especially when you are going through a tough time. You kind of lock your emotions away and put on your imaginary helmet (in my head, I am imagining one with a big shovel on the top) just get your head down and shovel through the shit days)!
Isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?
As is knowledge.
I also think, maybe times have changed and a lot has happened in 5/6 years in terms of mental health.
Looking back, I should have spoken out. But then, I was never given a safe space to do so. I’m also sure, unless I’m mistaken, that mental health in the workplace was not a “big deal” and was not something companies really thought about.
I also look back and think I lived most of those 5 years on auto-pilot, not enjoying life outside work as much as I could have, because work was causing me pain and stress. I know I could have definitely lived more in the moment if I had been in a better place.
Thanks for reading part 1 – part 2 will be coming next Friday, where I talk about the next part of my twenties!
Have a great weekend!
I look back at the first half of my twenties, and I can easily say that there was my 20 – 25 when I was working in hell, and so my life was the worst, and my 25 – 30’s when life became amazing. If I were to put colours against those years, I would say:
20-25 – black
25-28 – yellow to brown
29 – 31 – yellow, bright yellow.
20-25 years
I was in my second real office job, and experienced my first real stressful time. I can’t believe I spent 5 years at this job. I don’t think I could do it now, knowing that the grass is definitely greener!
This job was hell. Mind you, the job itself, the duties, the tasks, the responsibilities was fine. It was recruiting so that is what I enjoy. It was some of my colleagues and lack of support from the company that made it hell along with having unrealistic goals, with an understaffed, over worked team. I was also travelling to London, so leaving my place at 6am, to get a bus and two trains. Sometimes even earlier if I had a lot on. 
This would be my view waiting for the bus, I would be up so early, sometimes it was before the sun rose. I don’t mind waking up this early – but I hated it when I had to go somewhere I really did not want to go to!
It was safe to say, my mental wellbeing was, well, not well at all. I remember standing at the platform many times on the way to work, waiting for the train, just thinking “If I jump, then this will all be over. I won’t have another day of hell. I won’t cry when I go to sleep, or cry when I wake up”. At the time, I didn’t recognise it as suicidal thoughts. I just thought it was an answer to ending the shitty life I had (at work anyway).
It’s bad right? But what is worse, is that that company, had no mental health well being awareness. If I had told my manager or someone my true feelings, they would fobbed me off. That company gave me the impression that I was replaceable. I was not valued. If I couldn’t hack it, then they would get someone else in who could. They would bad mouth me.
So, because I had a mortgage, I couldn’t afford to have them thinking that, let alone lose my job. So I suffered. In silence.
When I got home, I was so traumatised I suppose by the day at work, that I just did not want to think about it. I wanted my few hours of happiness with my husband just to be happy and not think about hell.
Why didn’t I get another job? Well, that will be something my parents (as much as I hate to say) are to blame.
I suppose they were not aware of the hell I was put through. I never told them. Who wants to burden their parents with that? My mum just breaks down at the thought that I could be unhappy, and just likes to stay in a status quo!
But then, it got too much. I just could not take it anymore. I was also moving further out to Essex, so travelling to London would have started to cost and also take more time.
I was lucky enough to find another job, in Essex where I could drive to instead of taking public transport.
This was bus stop cat. She would meet me here most mornings on my way to work. I often saw it as something to say “don’t worry, it will be fine, I will see you again tomorrow, same time, same place”!
– Jen –
The Content Notebook 